we need to drink 2009 down the drain
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
