Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
