I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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