how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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