Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my phone needs a breathalizer
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
