is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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