Got a toothbrush?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We were destined to go to rehab together
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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