She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
