Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize