Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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