We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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