Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
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