It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
