You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
