She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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