I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
a search helicopter?!
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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