I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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