a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i would punch a child for taco bell
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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