Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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