I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize