I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
