Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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