mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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