i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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