did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
