well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
