I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
