Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
