"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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