i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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