Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
