My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
