it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
