@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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