Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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