Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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