if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
