Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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