Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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