Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
We smell like vodka and hangover
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