As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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