I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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