im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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