look no pants
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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