The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
