Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
