You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
