just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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