she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
