I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
