he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
