It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
