I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
