some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
