everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
